In the midst of these turbulent times, in which you cannot even keep track of what is happening or changing... in which you no longer exactly know what to believe or 'where the world is going', there seems to be settling a peace and loving kindness in our family, greater than ever before.
That may seem strange, but actually it maybe isn't. I'm realizing more and more that I am a person who does not have a constant energy level. My energy is very fluctuating, like waves from the sea. One day it feels like I can move mountains.. I can have an enthusiasm that I tire everyone with.. the other day it is completely gone and I really can't get myself to do anything.
That is very difficult if you have obligations that expect the same energy from you every day. Sometimes that works fine.. but sometimes it is really not feasible. And then you do your best for the other person.. and it seems kind of 'successful'... but actually you can't keep up and pay the price for it yourself (and your family).
So, during my work as a primary school teacher I got a burnout. This is not the only cause, but it must have been a factor. I was reintegrated again, but not long afterwards I felt that I could stop working. My greatest love was at home with my family and it didn't feel right that they got the least of my energy.
Yet it is difficult not to take such a thing as failure. Unsuitable. Not normal. Unable to work. Tired person. I've been struggling. Who am I when I have nothing to give in the world? Why should I live when I can only depend on others?
This goes back about 7 years and I had to struggle through it to learn to see my value. Actually I needed a reset... to be able to see everything from a completely different perspective. Because honestly .. all these thoughts turned out to be based on a lie. Or at least on véry limiting ideas.
I cannot put everything in this one blog, but what I have learned to see is that these waves of energy can be found everywhere in nature ... and that it is very natural!!! Just look at the trees in the coming and going of the seasons... and flowers, they don't bloom all year round! In winter everything goes into a kind of 'sleep mode'... to save energy. And look what they gain with that... you will soon be able to relive it again... those first crocuses.. daffodils... then the first bushes that dare to show something green again... and then the eruption of the growing and flowering season with all the colors and scents that go with it!
I have come to see that if I organize my life that way... with very few (or non) commitments that ask a constant energy, that on the 'low energy days' I will just 'be'... and that will be enough... and even very nice. And on 'high energy days' I can take a sprint... then creativity bursts out, all kinds of things happen, we make things, we change things, make decisions, household chores are being done... and sometimes I even don't need so many sleeping hours. And then everything is still done what you wanted ... and often móre!
Right now the world is kind of frozen. Lockdown. Children at home. I hear noises about stress around the children at home, but we don't experience it that way here. We did had to stop with the given homework from school for that. We choose our own route. Last week, for example, that meant one day a creative outburst of all kinds of wonderful things.. a PowerPoint was made with homemade videos in it.. German language was introduced and studied, the elders helped the youngest with learning to recognize his name, we agreed terms over the typing diploma that would be awarded, for being able to type blind with 10 fingers.. but there also were ingenious knexx pistols designed and build for themselves that really work with the help of rubber bands.. As shown in one of the previous blogs all kinds of wooden projects were build... they painted and did other creative things.. and many more projects were devised for later times... the boys played an awful lot together.. and they can communicate and make agreements together better than ever before. In this we have really gone through a growth leap again now.
Yet another day this was completely gone (for me, but also for the others). We had no new ideas.. no energy whatsoever to do anything.. if we did try something, it quickly resulted in irritated reactions to each other.. and we decided it was 'such a day'. The kind of day when we could better relaxe... give each other space... and not demand much from the other. We agreed that we would watch a movie together in the afternoon... and then blankets and cuddly toys are brought to the couch and we just hang around all afternoon and we really do nothing but just 'be'... and yet this also felt okay.
And so 'high energy' or 'low energy' are both fine! And by listening to it, a calmness descends. An acceptance of each other as we are. Where otherwise in this time we often had stress about having to go to school, having to finish things, tiredness of the kids after school, quarrels because of that.. tense atmosphere.. right now, caring for each other has returned. Not áll moments of the day... but really a very, very big difference with how this went before.
At dinner we usually pray and then the children by turn can also 'talk to God' and lately they are thanking for that we have each other... 'and for my brothers'... I hear them say. That makes my mother's heart grateful… and then I know this is our way of life, in where we thrive.